As the year is drawing to a close and with a new one just entering the door, what better time to go over all 30 NBA teams' New Years' Resolutions!
Atlanta Hawks: To search the Italian League through and through in order to find someone named Luigi. After having found said player, the Hawks will sign him to a contract. Simply for the hilraity provided with having both Mario and Luigi riding the bench for the team.
Boston Celtics: To have a special agent break both of Kobe's legs and assasinate Pau Gasol. Once that task is done all the Celtics have to do is hope the Warriors don't somehow squeeze into the playoffs and then the NBA finals.
Charlotte Bobcats: Have Boris Diaw and Michael Jordan undergo a surgery that would take Jordan's heart, talent and killer instinct and implant in Diaw's body. If this operation is a success, the 'Cats would have a 25% chance to go 35-47. In the East, that's good enough for the 3rd seed... right?
Chicago Bulls: Make sure that all apple knives are away from the general vicinity of super rookie Derrick Rose. Force Joakim Noah to get a haircut and develop a talent that isn't related to "hustle plays".
Cleveland Cavaliers: Bomb the city of New York, assasinate Jay-Z.
Dallas Mavericks: Break Devin Harris' knees and then have Mark Cuban write a blog about how awesome he is for having traded a cripple for future Hall of Famer guard Jason Kidd.
Denver Nuggets: Undergo scientific expirements to find out if the cause for Nene's league leading field goal percentage relates to his testicular cancer in any way. If tests find a relation, have Carmelo Anthony's left testicle surgerically removed.
Detroit Pistons: Build a time machine to go back and not trade Chauncey Billups. Fuck Allen Iverson and his low basketball I.Q.
Golden State Warriors: Convice Monta Ellis to sell his moped to whichever 13 year old offers the most money.
Houston Rockets: Teach Yao Ming how to jump higher than a phonebook. Bench T-Mac when the 1st round of the playoffs begin, he will be useless anyways.
Indianna Pacers: Give a blood sacrifice consisted of Josh McRoberts, Maceo Baston, Rasho Nesterovic and Travis Diener in order to have Mike Dunleavy back to full health. Not that they'll win more, but at least they'll lose shooting 15% less efficiently.
Los Angeles Clippers: Waive all of their players not named Al Thornton, Chris Kaman and Marcus Camby (yes even you, low shooting, pessimistic behavin' Baron Davis). Sign guys off the street park near the Stapples Center and hope for the best. They can't do any worst than they have already.
Los Angeles Lakers: Make Lamar Odom actually give a shit. Collect everybody's ring sizes.
Memphis Grizzlies: Force Rudy Gay to change his last name to something less hilarious. The direct results of such a change will be a +5 in the win column. Bonus 2 wins if O.J Mayo changes his last name to Simpson.
Miami Heat: Re-design entire playbook so that every play ends with Dwyane Wade shooting an off-balance 30 footer with 3 seconds on the shot clock. Cut down one Wade's turnovers or have Michael Beasley commit twice as many to take negative focus off of Wade. Dwyane is a god and can't do anything that would harm his team.
Milwaukee Bucks: Have Joe Alexander change his name to Joey Lee, this will ensure the Bucks will have an all-star starter.
Minnesota Timberwolves: Hope that Adrian Peterson somehow tragically dies so that the 'Wolves horrible play is ignored by the Minnesotan people.
New Jersey Nets: Find a way to somehow play all home games away from home. The Nets won't lose another game all season.
New Orleans Hornets: Put Chris Paul's stealing skills to other uses, like robbing banks.
New York Knicks: Have Mike D'antoni look up the word defense in the dictionary. Sit back and watch as the Knicks suddenly start winning 8-9 games in a row. Who knew defense wasn't a word in Italian?
Oklahoma City Thunder: Stop sucking.
Orlando Magic: Force Hedo Turkoglu to start calling himself Batman and nickname Jameer Nelson, Robin. Adonal Foyle can be Aqua Man, since Aqua Man is useless.
Philadelphia 76'ers: Work on AI the 2nd until he can hit 20% of his open jumpshots. Attempt to re-trade for Kyle Korver. Sign Allan Houston. Bottom line: do something to help those god awful brick fests the 76'ers have been playing.
Phoenix Suns: Find a bionic back for Steve Nash and some tape for Shaq's mouth.
Portland Trailblazers: Make every Blazer sign a card that says "Thank you for letting us ride your coatails" and present it to Brandoy Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge (Oden has to sign too, a franchise big man usually averages more than 7ppg and 7rpg while averaging less than 3 knee breaks a year).
Sacramento Kings: Hope that the Thunder and the Timberwolves suddenly become decent, cause the Kings could sure use a scoring power foward right about now!
San Antonio Spurs: Convince TD, Manu Ginobili and Eva Longaria's husband that 30 is the new 18.
Toronto Raptors: Trade for a semi-consistent swing man so that Chris Bosh and Jose Calderon don't both commit suicide. Kill Andrea Bargnani every time he attempts a consteted three instead of driving to the rim. Final Andrea kill count: 1,256
Utah Jazz: Hope that Carlos Boozer develops a deadly form of mormon cancer from being around mormons for too long. Sign Paul Millsap to a very long extension and hope that Deron Willians enjoys bigamy as much as the ownership assumed he would.
Washington Wizards: Convince Soulja Boy to play with the team, he would probably do better than DeShawn Stevenson right about now.
Atlanta Hawks: To search the Italian League through and through in order to find someone named Luigi. After having found said player, the Hawks will sign him to a contract. Simply for the hilraity provided with having both Mario and Luigi riding the bench for the team.
Boston Celtics: To have a special agent break both of Kobe's legs and assasinate Pau Gasol. Once that task is done all the Celtics have to do is hope the Warriors don't somehow squeeze into the playoffs and then the NBA finals.
Charlotte Bobcats: Have Boris Diaw and Michael Jordan undergo a surgery that would take Jordan's heart, talent and killer instinct and implant in Diaw's body. If this operation is a success, the 'Cats would have a 25% chance to go 35-47. In the East, that's good enough for the 3rd seed... right?
Chicago Bulls: Make sure that all apple knives are away from the general vicinity of super rookie Derrick Rose. Force Joakim Noah to get a haircut and develop a talent that isn't related to "hustle plays".
Cleveland Cavaliers: Bomb the city of New York, assasinate Jay-Z.
Dallas Mavericks: Break Devin Harris' knees and then have Mark Cuban write a blog about how awesome he is for having traded a cripple for future Hall of Famer guard Jason Kidd.
Denver Nuggets: Undergo scientific expirements to find out if the cause for Nene's league leading field goal percentage relates to his testicular cancer in any way. If tests find a relation, have Carmelo Anthony's left testicle surgerically removed.
Detroit Pistons: Build a time machine to go back and not trade Chauncey Billups. Fuck Allen Iverson and his low basketball I.Q.
Golden State Warriors: Convice Monta Ellis to sell his moped to whichever 13 year old offers the most money.
Houston Rockets: Teach Yao Ming how to jump higher than a phonebook. Bench T-Mac when the 1st round of the playoffs begin, he will be useless anyways.
Indianna Pacers: Give a blood sacrifice consisted of Josh McRoberts, Maceo Baston, Rasho Nesterovic and Travis Diener in order to have Mike Dunleavy back to full health. Not that they'll win more, but at least they'll lose shooting 15% less efficiently.
Los Angeles Clippers: Waive all of their players not named Al Thornton, Chris Kaman and Marcus Camby (yes even you, low shooting, pessimistic behavin' Baron Davis). Sign guys off the street park near the Stapples Center and hope for the best. They can't do any worst than they have already.
Los Angeles Lakers: Make Lamar Odom actually give a shit. Collect everybody's ring sizes.
Memphis Grizzlies: Force Rudy Gay to change his last name to something less hilarious. The direct results of such a change will be a +5 in the win column. Bonus 2 wins if O.J Mayo changes his last name to Simpson.
Miami Heat: Re-design entire playbook so that every play ends with Dwyane Wade shooting an off-balance 30 footer with 3 seconds on the shot clock. Cut down one Wade's turnovers or have Michael Beasley commit twice as many to take negative focus off of Wade. Dwyane is a god and can't do anything that would harm his team.
Milwaukee Bucks: Have Joe Alexander change his name to Joey Lee, this will ensure the Bucks will have an all-star starter.
Minnesota Timberwolves: Hope that Adrian Peterson somehow tragically dies so that the 'Wolves horrible play is ignored by the Minnesotan people.
New Jersey Nets: Find a way to somehow play all home games away from home. The Nets won't lose another game all season.
New Orleans Hornets: Put Chris Paul's stealing skills to other uses, like robbing banks.
New York Knicks: Have Mike D'antoni look up the word defense in the dictionary. Sit back and watch as the Knicks suddenly start winning 8-9 games in a row. Who knew defense wasn't a word in Italian?
Oklahoma City Thunder: Stop sucking.
Orlando Magic: Force Hedo Turkoglu to start calling himself Batman and nickname Jameer Nelson, Robin. Adonal Foyle can be Aqua Man, since Aqua Man is useless.
Philadelphia 76'ers: Work on AI the 2nd until he can hit 20% of his open jumpshots. Attempt to re-trade for Kyle Korver. Sign Allan Houston. Bottom line: do something to help those god awful brick fests the 76'ers have been playing.
Phoenix Suns: Find a bionic back for Steve Nash and some tape for Shaq's mouth.
Portland Trailblazers: Make every Blazer sign a card that says "Thank you for letting us ride your coatails" and present it to Brandoy Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge (Oden has to sign too, a franchise big man usually averages more than 7ppg and 7rpg while averaging less than 3 knee breaks a year).
Sacramento Kings: Hope that the Thunder and the Timberwolves suddenly become decent, cause the Kings could sure use a scoring power foward right about now!
San Antonio Spurs: Convince TD, Manu Ginobili and Eva Longaria's husband that 30 is the new 18.
Toronto Raptors: Trade for a semi-consistent swing man so that Chris Bosh and Jose Calderon don't both commit suicide. Kill Andrea Bargnani every time he attempts a consteted three instead of driving to the rim. Final Andrea kill count: 1,256
Utah Jazz: Hope that Carlos Boozer develops a deadly form of mormon cancer from being around mormons for too long. Sign Paul Millsap to a very long extension and hope that Deron Willians enjoys bigamy as much as the ownership assumed he would.
Washington Wizards: Convince Soulja Boy to play with the team, he would probably do better than DeShawn Stevenson right about now.
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